The Dangers of Shyness

I haven't ever told this story to anyone until just recently (It must be the effect of having this blog).

It was my first time to the annual music camp that I go to every year now. This was back in 1998. I arrived and knew not a soul there. The camp is in a lovely wooded setting. So, I settled in at the bunkhouse and then began to roam the area. As I walked around, I found incredible musicians jamming -- under a tree, outside of their camper, next to the wood pile, inside the recreation room, in the dining room, up on the overhanging cliff, over by the lake, in the bathrooms, in the woods. All over. It was really wonderful, while quite intimidating. I brought my guitar with me, although I really do not play it in any sense of the word. And, to make it even stranger, I have taped masking tape on to the entire neck of the guitar, under the strings, and have written all the notes at every single fret. Well, yeah, how else are you going to know where the notes are??? Some people told me they had never seen a guitar like that one (No, and you never will!).

During the first evening, after dinner and the social daily evening dance, everyone settled into the building that houses the dining room and rec room. They broke up into smaller groups, each playing a different style of music. I chose the porch, which was country music with guitars, fiddles, voices and a multitude of other instruments. I was so intimidated at their expertise that I sat way behind them. But, as I heard some of the great songs they were singing, I couldn't help myself and started harmonizing with them softly. Well, musicians seem to have a real good ear. They heard me, and then summoned me to come up closer. I timidly did. Same thing went on the second night.

All along, I had heard many campers say, "I think I'll go to the sauna." Well, on the second night, around 2:00am, I said to one of the singers from Virginia, "I think I'll go back to the bunkhouse and get my bathing suit and head over to the sauna." She responded, "Well,... if you do that.......you'll be the only one with a bathing suit on." Eeeeeewh!!! What a dope I am. I hadn't even thought of that. I happen to be very, very modest. So, I would have a big problem going to the sauna unclothed. I even cover myself with a towel when I go into a women's sauna. One of my new friends said that, if I wanted, she would be happy to accompany me as moral support. She said she was used to nude saunas; always went to them in Denmark when she visited her sister, and had no problem with it. I on the other hand had a BIG problem with it. But, I started having arguments with myself. "Stream," I said, "what is your problem?? Get over it! No one else has any problem with this. It's just YOU! What's wrong with you? Just go and be done with it. Don't be so parochial and prudish. Don't be such a jerk." So, I sort of made a decision to try to consider going there. My friend suggested we go on Joke Off Night. She said everyone would be there and the sauna would be empty. I grudgingly agreed. So, Thursday came around and it was time. In case I forgot to tell you, my friend must have been sending out all these pheromones because men were flocking around her like flies. I mean, like five men at a time. I'm not kidding. So, one of the flies wanted to accompany her to the sauna, since he'd never been to a nude one before. Well, I of course was under the assumption that just she and I were heading over. But, noooooooo. Her admirer was coming along with us too, and then I see about six people up ahead of us. My stomach was already beginning to tie in knots. But now I had to go through with it. I must save face. We arrive at the sauna and enter the ante room. My God!!! There are around eight people there all undressing and hanging their clothes on wall hooks. How am I going to get through this? There's a very attractive tall willowy woman with raven hair standing nude like a ballet dancer, with her perky breasts pointing toward the heavens talking politics with the guy next to her. I decide I'm going to be real slow and let all these people get into the sauna and then I'll sneak in last -- hopefully unnoticed. Most of the people go into the sauna, but my friend's admirer also seems to be lagging behind. But, he finally goes in. I'm the last one out in the ante room. Well, it's now or never. I grab my towel and hold it in front of me and hope that I don't look too obvious and ridiculous. I creak the sauna door open and voila!!! The sauna is PACKED!!! They are in there like sardines. There are three or four tiers of seat levels. And they're almost all filled. There's a guy standing on the floor at the bottom holding court and telling one joke after another. I can't believe what I am seeing. I creep somehow up to the second level and slide on the level. Then I see the 16 year old boy behind me. Oh, crap!!!! He's so shy that he doesn't even talk to you on the dance floor; makes no eye contact; gives you a limp hand to lead you in dance. And, here he is. I just sit there quietly hoping to be invisible. Then it is getting so incredibly hot. But, I don't dare get up to leave because I don't want to be the focal point at any time. So, I wait. My mind spinning all sorts of scenarios for getting out of there unnoticed. The guy with the jokes continues but I can't even zero in on the jokes he's telling, nor able to enjoy them. Finally, some others start complaining about how hot it is and say they are going to go out and get in the lake which is about 20 feet from the exit of the sauna. When they get up, I take my cue and shuffle out together with them. Now, there are two options to cooling off. (1) an outdoor shower down the side of the sauna building where everyone will stand in line waiting his turn for the shower. All is completely out in the open; nothing sheltered, nor privacy walls; and (2) the lake -- the 20 foot walk to the lake and then in. There's no way that I'm going to either stand under the shower with a line of people waiting for me to finish, nor on the line waiting for someone to finish with the shower. I opt for the lake. I walk toward the lake and see that the entrance to the lake has steps into the water, as in a pool, and that there is a man right at the steps helping others to get down the steps and into the lake. CRAP, CRAP!!! Can't he go away??? In an effort to disappear out of sight as quickly as possible, I decide to jump in the lake feet first and hit my foot on the rocks at the bottom of the lake. OW!!!! My toe!! There's no question as to what I've caused to happen. I tread water to the center of the cordoned-off swimming portion and, while treading with my right foot, lift my left foot out of the water. The long second toe, right next to the big toe, is off on a very diagonal slant. "Crap, crap, crap!! You stupid fool!!! If you weren't so retarded, you wouldn't have broken your toe. Why can't you be normal like other people??" Now I'm really upset with myself and struggle to the edge of the lake and climb up the stairs and actually go back in the sauna, as that's the only place that has a light so that I can see the damage. When I'm back in, I access the damage. As I thought, the toe is almost perpendicular to the other toe. The horrible angle is really upsetting me. So, I grab the toe securely with my entire hand and pull it out and up and hear a sickening crunching sound. Although, when I look at it again, it is now straight. I don't know what possessed me into taking such actions and setting my toe in this manner with my hands, since I know nothing about setting broken bones. But, I just couldn't stand leaving the toe at that angle. After this I left the intense heat and went back into the ante room and got dressed. It was only when I left the structure with my friend and her admirer, that I told them I had broken my toe. They couldn't believe I had been quiet throughout the entire incident and the setting of the toe. I borrowed some surgical tape and buddy taped my toes.

Upon the suggestion of one of the campers, I scheduled an appointment with my orthopedist once I returned home. He xrayed it, checked it, and then said, "Yes, you definitely broke it (well, I knew that!!!). Nice job setting it." Then, in justification for the $250 fee I was paying him I asked if he was going to tape it for me. He said, "sure" and gave me the worst buckling, scrunched up tape job I ever saw.

So, my advice to you is this: if you're very shy, try to forget you are. It's really such a waste of energy and anxiety. Although, forgetting is harder than one would think.