A REASON FOR STRESS (Playette)

For your amusement (hopefully). Read when you really just want to relax (it's a bit long). Just a little background history first.

Trevor has created an artistic residential collective in this huge loft in Astoria, which he has been renting for the past five years. Despite the fact that he does not own it, he has constructed mezzanines (for additional rentals), wet bars, installed washer/dryer, compacter, tub/shower, and basically managed it like a landlord. When he relocated to L.A. two years ago, he left others in charge of his responsibilities. Needless to say, there was much incompetence on the part of the existing residents whom he left in charge and it pretty much fell apart. They brought in the wrong type of residents. One was on drugs. And, they have a very big and constant problem in getting residents to pay their rent and security. He has now returned to NY and is trying to save and restore the collective to what it was when he was here. They got rid of a lot of loser residents just recently. Again, he left some of the remaining residents (whom he had a little more faith in) in charge of screening new prospective tenants while he went away with me to our music camp. So, between his DanceParade project (of which there was much imcompetence) and the loft (which is called Wonderland -- which was massive incompetence), Trevor has been very stressed.

When we got home from our music camp, we were both so very tired from hardly sleeping all week and were just decompressing. This is how my little screen play began. It began verbally when I saw him so stressed. I started throwing out all sorts of wild speculations and scenarios. Then Trevor was laughing so hard at my imagined absurd scenarios, that he told me to stop and just write it. I actually had so much fun writing it on Sunday:

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

What's wrong, honey? Why are you looking so stressed? These are the questions that I asked, after seeing Trevor just sitting listlessly in my dining room chair. He took a while to speak during which time my mind wildly speculated. "Is it the new residents," I asked? Trevor seemed a bit annoyed at my persistence and didn't answer. Nevertheless, I forged ahead -- unable to stop myself. My concern and fractured mind came up with the following scene:


A Reason For Stress

By

Conchi Nocrala

Conchi Nocrala
Murder Rape City
Russianville Chinatown County
Brooklyn, NY 11214
www.streamofconchiness

Dramatis Personae
(To protect the incompetent, I have named the players One thru Seven)

TREVOR - Executive Director, Wonderland Collective
ONE
TWO
JOE, Superintendent
FOUR
FIVE
SIX
SEVEN

Residents:
Ted
Jill
Aman
Adilah
Futuwwah
Steve
Sam

FADE IN:

TREVOR

So, how did you make out with interviewing the prospective residents. #ONE? Have you been successful in filling the 20 vacancies available?

ONE

Yeah. Well, sort of.

TREVOR

What do you mean sort of?

ONE

Well, we got Ted. He's really a nice guy. But, well, hmmm. It's a little difficult to say, so, I guess I'll just come right out and say it. There's a little problem. He uses drugs. Uh... hard drugs... As a matter of fact, uhmmm, he also pushes them in order to pay for his habit.

TWO

Yeah, I can't even get into the DJ booth because Ted's always using it. He has removed the turntables from the long surface there and is....well, he has all his wares spread out on it and brings his customers in there so that they can sample them. It wouldn't be a problem otherwise. Except for the time that that group of Ted's pals were here and shooting up. One of them had an overdose of.....I think it was horse. Yeah, Ted is teaching me all the street names. That's nice of him, isn't it? Anyway, it was alright once we put the guy in the tub with all that ice. But it was touch and go for a while there.

TREVOR

What????? Are you insane???

TWO

Hey, I didn't approve his residency!

ONE

Hey, Trevor, don't get so upset. He's really a nice guy.

TREVOR

Yeah? Well, guess what? He has to go!!!

ONE

Well, we also have Jill. Although..... Well, she has a little problem. She's a pros.... Well, you know, her parents threw her out when she was 15. Well, what was she supposed to do? You know.... she had to get by somehow. And, well, even though I told her she should not bring her clients here, she hasn't listened. They've been coming in regularly.

TWO

Yeah, answering the bell is getting a bit tiresome. I can't get anything accomplished.

TREVOR

I can't believe you guys!!! Did you find anyone normal? And, what do you mean, accomplished? I thought you were on unemployment. So, what are you doing around here all day? Are you doing anything for the loft? Cleaning, straightening, making sure all the bed bugs do not return?

TWO

What do you think I am? Everyone's slave? I should clean up after these slobs? And as far as the bed bugs go, I think it's disgusting. I wouldn't go near that room with a ten-foot pole.

ONE

You're a sissy, #TWO.

Anyone normal? Oh, yeah!! Oh, and besides, as far as Jill goes. I think we're going to have that a little more under control with Ted's help.

TREVOR

Ted's help?

ONE

Yeah. Ted's going to screen Jill's clients and sort of keep things under control.

TREVOR

Oh, so you mean that now Ted's her pimp!

Looks incredulously at #ONE.

ONE

Yeah, I guess you could call it that. I'm sure things are going to be much better when that starts to happen.

TREVOR

What you're telling me is really leaving me speechless. So, I'm really going to try to control myself and not go nuts. I'm not going to say anything and am just going to listen and ask you to apprise me of everything that has happened.

TWO

Oh, I'll help with that, since I pretty much see everyone who comes and goes in here. We have that old guy over there that could become a problem down the line. You know, his little problem might cause some disruptions once in a while.

TREVOR

I promised I wouldn't say anything, but I don't know what you're talking about.

TWO

Well, the guy at the end of the ballroom.

TREVOR

What guy??

TWO

He's behind the boxes at the moment.

TREVOR

WHAT????

TWO

He's that nice guy that we used to pass every day coming home from the subway. You know, the one who sleeps under the boxes to keep warm? Well, I couldn't leave him out there. You know, it was really kinda cold. It would have been criminal to leave him in that freezing weather. You know, sort of like our pro bono project. So, anyway, Sam has been having his AA meetings at our dining room table. Plus, he has invited his buddies to join him. You know, if you're a resident here, you should be able to invite your friends over. Well, anyway, the other night there was a little bit of a problem. One of the guys started getting the shakes really bad. I think he had the DT's. And, Sam had to get a hold of some liquor to correct that situation. Soooooo. Well, then all of Sam's pals got a glass each and had a drink too. The situation got a bit out of hand, noisy and overwhelming and Joe ended up coming and knocking on the door. He was really nasty. There really was no need for that.

ONE

Yeah, I really didn't appreciate that. I mean, these guys have had a hard life. Is it so terrible for us to bring a little happiness into their lives? Jill is going to help with that issue.

TREVOR

Oh, so I guess Jill is going to service all the box guys now??? We'll begin running a collective brothel at Wonderland? That will really pull in attractive and high-end, functioning and paying residents in!

Sits in his chair seething.

ONE

No, no, no. Calm down. It's nothing like that! She's agreed to give a little show for them once in a while. Nothing sexual. I mean, unless the box guys somehow can get their hands on some money and can become her clients from time to time. She's just going to dance a little for them once in a while. You know, she's really a good dancer and has a GREAT body! She gave us a demonstration the other day when she suggested doing this. WOW!!! I was hoping she would take it all off. But, damn, she left that G string and pasties on. Oh, well. That was good enough. The hobos really loved it. It's going to be great!!!

TREVOR

All you guys have lost your minds, haven't you??!!! You've gone insane!

TWO

No, man. Lighten up. You're always so uptight! Relax. Live a little. Enjoy life.

TREVOR

Oh, yeah. Of course. By the way, have our new intellectual residents, Ted, Jill and Sam, contributed any rent at all?

ONE

Well, no. Not yet.

TREVOR

No one?

ONE

Not yet. Ted has had a decline with his customers and hasn't raised the rent money yet. And, well, I guess it's pretty much the same with Jill. The economy is bad and paying their expenses is rough and close to impossible. Jill is going to frequent a different locality and see if she can drum up new business. Ted's going to go with her to keep an eye on her to make sure she's ok and that no one stiffs her. And, as far as Sam. Well, you of all people should understand that. Doesn't your mother process all pro bono cases at her job. I mean, you have to give a little to others sometimes.

TREVOR

Yeah? Well, why don't YOU pay their rent?

ONE

My God!!! I couldn't possibly do that. You know they fired me last week. How could you suggest such a thing? I'm doing the best I can here. I got you residents just as you asked me to. I don't know why you're always on our asses. I do the best I can, but you're always complaining about what I do. Nothing is ever good enough for you.

TREVOR

Oh, yeah. I'm so unreasonable. So, what are you doing about getting another job. And, by the way, is your rent paid up?

Trevor is frowning and making a really sarcastic face.

ONE

Man! How do you expect me to be looking for a job when I've been taking care of filling up this loft with residents?? You know, I've been really busy taking care of that. And, no. I still owe 2 1/2 months of rent. Big F'g Deal!!! But, if we fill in the last 2 spots here, I'll have some extra time to look around for a job. Maybe I'll go over to Home Depot. Man, I love that place. Would love to work there. That would be really cool. Maybe cashier; maybe even cutting lumber. That would be so great.

TWO

Yeah, #ONE has really been busy. He's been walking the streets looking for prospective residents.

TREVOR

Yeah, obviously!

Home Depot? Yes, definitely a career to thirst after.

TWO

Well, we do have Aman. He paid us $100 toward his $900 rent and $900 security. We did get some money in. I don't understand why you're complaining. We only have to collect another $1700 from Aman. Then we're set. For now, anyway.

TREVOR

Who the hell is Aman?

ONE

He's that guy who used to pass out smoke and speed at the corner, where he had that small table with all sorts of pasted pictures. Remember him? He had hukas and bongs that he sold too? But the cops kept chasing him away constantly. So he decided that it was time to look for a safer place to live and sell his paraphernalia.

TREVOR

You let him come in here?????? Is that his huka that I'm looking at at the end of the ballroom?

ONE

Yeah! Isn't it great?? He said we could use it any time we wanted. He's such a nice guy. Only thing is, #TWO and I haven't had a chance to use it yet because Aman's friends are always using it. The other day I had to stand outside on the terrace because I could barely breathe with all the smoke and smell. One of the other guys could hardly move he was shaking so bad. Must have been his first time on speed.

TWO

Yeah, I think it was. You really have to go slow on that stuff. You know how it is. Start small until your system gets used to it. Then you can increase the amount, increment by increment. Yeah, that's the smart way to go.

TREVOR

Yeah, very smart.

Makes an incredibly snickering face.

TWO

Yeah, I'm glad you see it my way and agree.

ONE

Anyway. To get off that subject. Jill saw how stressed I've been with this recruiting stuff that you ALWAYS give me to do. So, she promised she would give me a discount. Or, even a pro bono. She's so great!!

TREVOR

I'm so very happy for you.

Head bent to the side, with an incredulous look at #ONE.

ONE

Gee, thanks. I didn't think you were going to take it that way. That's a relief.

TREVOR

Do you have the loft filled with these type of delightful residents?

ONE

Well, no. We do have this one loser. Steve. He writes. Writing some kinda novel or sump'in. Really boring guy. He's always complaining about any little noise. Says he has to concentrate and can't with all the noise we're making. He calls US losers. Can you imagine that? Says he won't give us his second month's rent if we don't do something about all his complaints. Hah! I'll do something about his complaints. Like leave a rotten hard boiled egg in his room somewhere for days. Ha, ha. That would be a blast!!! That would fix that tight-ass piece of crap.

TREVOR

You mean he has paid his rent and security?

ONE

Yeah.

TREVOR

And you're giving him a hard time and don't give him everything he wants? You're an idiot!!!

TWO

Hey!!! It's so easy for you to fling insults around. How come you didn't do the recruiting yourself??? Noooooo. You couldn't do that! Because you're the big man. The Grand Poobah.

ADILAH

Hey, you want to keep it down out there! I have company!

FUTUWWAH

Yeah, I double that! God, can't you guys shut up for a moment? I've never heard so much talking and grumbling in my life. It's impossible to sleep around here. I need to get my beauty sleep. I have to go out tonight and work. GOD!!!! Have a little consideration!

TREVOR

Who's that? Sensitive Jill? Sounded like two different voices. ???

TWO

No, man. Why do you have to be so sarcastic all the time? That's Adilah and Futuwwah.

TREVOR

What? Who the hell are they???

TWO

They're friends of Jill's from work. They work on the same street. She's letting them stay here for a while. It was really getting dangerous out there and they needed a safe place to stay. Adilah. You know what that means? It means "one who deals justly." You know what Adilah does? She lifts her clients cash when they happen to be rich clients. She had a client who makes an annual income of $28,000 last week. Wow! I wish I could make that much. She just lifted his entire wallet. Serves him right. Didn't even want to pay her her going rate.

They're both belly dancers, as well. I've seen them both dance. Really cool and VERY sexy.

TREVOR

Great! We're running a collective halfway house; except, without any monitoring. This is just great! My dreams come true. I'm sure I'll be real successful in encouraging all my buddies from Yale and Columbia to come and live here. What a budding future!

ONE

You know what, Trevor? You're a snob.

TWO

Yeah, he really is.

TREVOR

And this comes from one who thirsts for a new career at Home Depot and another who would be fullfilled with a $28,000 income? Yeah, I guess I really am a snob. I set my expectations too high. How dare I expect to have cultured, intelligent, reasonable, artistic, musical, employed residents here.

I'm sorry I'm being so unreasonable.

Trevor slumps in a chair, totally in despair.

Well, maybe I'll join Sam now. That's not usually my approach. But, after hearing all of this, I think I need a VERY LARGE drink. Or Two. I was saving my very special champagnes for a meaningful time. But, I can't take this. I'll save my $350 Cristal for that meaningful moment and have my $170 bottle of Dom Perignon now. God it kills me! To drink expensive champagne at a moment like this; what a damn shame. But I really do need to have a drink and calm my system.

ONE

Um.... Sam found the Dom Perignon and finished it with his buddies.

TREVOR

God, I really can't believe this is happening. Damn!!! Get me the Cristal!!!

TWO

They took that one first.

FADE OUT:

THE END